Last week, we talked about ADHD masking - those exhausting moments of hiding our fidgets during meetings, rehearsing simple conversations, and trying to look "organized" in ways that often leave us feeling drained and disconnected from ourselves. We explored how masking impacts our energy, our relationships, and even our sense of identity.
Today, we're taking the next step: learning how to gradually, safely reduce unnecessary masking while still managing the practical challenges of life with ADHD. Don't worry - we're not suggesting you immediately release your inner chaos gremlin during your next board meeting. (Though watching Karen from accounting try to process someone building a pencil tower during budget discussions would be entertaining... 👀)
⏸️ A note about safety
While authenticity is valuable, safety comes first. Remember what we discussed last week about masking not being inherently bad? That's especially important here. It's okay to maintain certain masking behaviors if they help you stay safe, employed, or access needed services.
The goal here isn't to throw all your masks in a bonfire while screaming "FREEEEEEDOOOOM!" like Mel Gibson in Braveheart (Though if you do, please send videos.) It's about figuring out which masks are actually protecting you, which ones are just exhausting you, and where you might have room to let your authentic ADHD self peek through a bit more in order to reduce ADHD burnout and exhaustion, and improve self-esteem.
🔍 Step 1: Identify your masking patterns
Before we can make changes, we need to know what we're working with. Think of this like doing an inventory of your mask collection - we're Marie Kondo-ing your coping mechanisms. (Spoiler: Most of them do not, in fact, spark joy.)
When and Where You Mask:
- Which situations trigger the most masking?
- Where do you feel safest to be yourself?
- What makes these environments different?
What You're Masking:
- Which ADHD traits do you work hardest to hide?
- What specific behaviors do you use to mask these traits?
- Which masks feel protective versus purely performative?
Once you've gathered your observations, try giving names to your different masks. This helps you recognize them more easily and understand their roles in your life. For instance, you might have masks like:
- "The Professional Perfectionist" (arriving extremely early, over-preparing)
- "The Social Chameleon" (mirroring others' energy levels and conversation styles)
- "The Focused Faker" (the intense eye contact and nodding routine).
Look for patterns in when you use each mask, what triggers them, and how they make you feel. You might notice that some masks show up across multiple situations, while others are reserved for specific scenarios.
🗺️ Step 2: Map your masking territory
Time to organize all those observations into something useful! Think of this like creating your own personal video game strategy guide, except instead of finding power-ups and boss weaknesses, we're identifying where you can be more authentically you.
Let's break your world into zones:
Green Zones (AKA Your Safe Havens):These are the places where you can let your ADHD flag fly:
- Your best friend's house (the one who finds your random facts endearing)
- Support groups (where stimming is basically the official language)
- Your home (where you can finally release that leg bounce you've been suppressing)
Yellow Zones (The "Maybe" Territories):Places where you might experiment with being more you:
- That one coworker's office (they have a fidget cube on their desk - they get it)
- Family gatherings (at least the ones where Aunt Susan isn't critiquing everyone's life choices)
- The cool local coffee shop (where the baristas don't judge your elaborate drink orders)
Red Zones (Proceed with Caution):Places where masking might still be needed for personal or professional safety:
- Job interviews (unless you're applying at a very progressive company)
- Important meetings (especially if they involve budget discussions)
- The DMV (but honestly, everyone's masking there)
📝Step 3: Rate your masks
Now comes the fun part - we're going to evaluate each of your masks like we're judging a really strange fashion show. Which ones are actually serving looks, and which ones need to be donated to the thrift store of abandoned coping mechanisms?
Essential vs. Optional Masks
Before jumping into the cost-benefit details, let's figure out which masks are actually serving an important purpose in your life right now. Think of this like sorting through your closet - some items are essential for your current lifestyle, while others are just taking up space because you think you "should" keep them. For each mask, be honest about whether it's protecting something crucial (like job security or access to healthcare) or if it's just a habit you've developed out of fear or others' expectations.
Ask yourself:
- Is this mask actually protecting me, or am I just wearing it because I think I should?
- Does this mask help me access important things, or is it just making me look like I enjoy small talk?
- Is this truly crucial for my job, or am I just trying to impress that one colleague who color-codes their paperclips?
Mask Cost-Benefit Analysis
Think of this like balancing your energy budget. For each mask, we want to weigh the energy it costs you against what you get in return. Consider both the immediate impact (like physical tension or mental fatigue) and the long-term effects (such as stress or reduced authenticity in relationships). Sometimes a mask might have a high energy cost but provide important benefits, while others might be draining you without giving much in return.
Let's look at an example:
Mask: The Stim Suppressor
- Purpose: Looking "professional"
- Energy Cost: Astronomical
- Benefit: Varies by client
- Verdict: Time to invest in some subtle fidget jewelry
🤝 Step 4: Build your support squad
Remember how in video games you get to build your perfect team? This is like that, but for real life. Building a support network isn't just about having people who understand you - it's about strategically surrounding yourself with different types of support for different situations. Just like you wouldn't use the same coping strategies everywhere, you'll need different kinds of support depending on the environment.
For Green Zones:
Think of these people as your home base team:
- The friend who actually enjoys your random fact explosions
- The family member who finds your energy "refreshing"
- The colleague who also has seventeen tabs open
For Yellow Zones:
Your backup squad:
- The understanding supervisor who's open to "alternative" working styles
- The teammate who appreciates your "unique perspective" (their words)
- The neighbor who doesn't mind if you pace while you talk
For Red Zones:
Your professional support network:
- An HR professional or workplace advocate who can help you navigate accommodation requests
- An occupational therapist who can suggest professional-looking fidget tools and workplace strategies
- An ADHD coach who can help you develop strategies for high-stakes situations like interviews and presentations
🎬 Step 5: Put it into action
Now it's time for the real-world application of all this planning. Think of it like testing out a new recipe - start with the basic ingredients before you try to make it "Top Chef" worthy.
Start With What's Safe
Choose one mask to retire in your green zones. For example:
Instead of: The Statue Impersonation During MeetingsTry: "Hey team, I actually focus better when my hands are busy. Mind if I use this stress ball? I promise not to aim for Karen's coffee mug."
Instead of: The Rehearsed Conversation RobotTry: "Fair warning: my brain might jump topics faster than a caffeinated kangaroo. Feel free to ask me to circle back if needed!"
Expand Your Territory
As you get comfortable, start testing the waters in yellow zones. Baby steps! Rome wasn't built in a day, and your authentic self won't emerge overnight.
〽️Progress over perfection
This journey isn't about becoming a completely different person overnight (or ever). It's about finding little pockets of space where you can let your ADHD self breathe a bit more freely.
Keep in mind, though, that the journey isn’t linear. Our neurotypical brains are more sensitive to stress, and life is always throwing those curve balls. There will almost certainly be days where you may need to un-retire one of your masks for a little while. If and when that happens, that’s still progress - because you are now making intentional choices about how to show up.
In short - your journey toward being more authentically you is worth the effort, even if the path isn’t exactly a straight line. Straight lines are overrated, anyway - just ask any ADHD brain during a "quick" Google search! 😅
