Having Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) can often feel like a solitary journey, even when you're in a relationship. Especially in ADHD relationships with a neurotypical partner, differing perspectives can cause challenges. Neurotypical partners may find it difficult to truly grasp what ADHD is, leading to misunderstandings, frustrations, fights, and disconnection. It can make you feel isolated, unheard, and unseen. In this article, we explore the emotional aspects of navigating adult ADHD in relationships when your partner doesn't fully understand it and may even be unsupportive. We’ll discuss strategies for self-advocacy, building alternative supports, and how you can foster a sense of empowerment.
Sometimes, with a partner who struggles to understand ADHD, the root of the challenge may not lie in communication breakdowns, but in their conceptualization of ADHD. Perhaps you’re used to being told you didn’t communicate effectively, or used to putting the blame on yourself; but this is a perspective that might be worth exploring. It's not uncommon for ADHD relationship problems to stem from misconceptions and misunderstandings about ADHD. It's essential to not only think about how YOU communicate about ADHD, but also to reflect on any assumptions YOUR PARTNER might have about ADHD, its complexities, and its impact on your daily life that are strongly ingrained.
Dealing with a partner who doesn't believe that ADHD is a real condition can be emotionally exhausting and invalidating. If you’ve already shared information about ADHD, its scientific basis, and the extensive, exhaustive research supporting its as a legitimate neurodevelopmental disorder, it can feel hopeless. Remember, you can only continue to advocate for yourself, you can’t set a goal to change someone else’s mind.
▶ Continue your self-education about ADHD to build confidence in your understanding.
▶ Determine your boundaries about how ADHD is talked about. They may not agree with the diagnosis, but what things are harmful for you to hear? What are you okay with them having questions about? What makes home feel like an emotionally safe place?
▶ Try discussing the executive function problems as “separate” issues to start conversations. Time management frustrations might open the door to a healthier conversation as everyone can relate to some form of time management issues (even if not quite the conversation you were hoping to have).
▶ Find alternative supports to turn to. While some people lean on their partner, having community supports is a great way to find that validation and acknowledgement. There’s nothing wrong with needing others to hear and listen to you and may make your relationship stronger in the meantime.
▶ Consider couple’s therapy to navigate this issue if it is severely impacting your happiness and comfort in the relationship.