So, your loved one signed up for ADHD coaching. Congrats to them on making such an important decision for themselves and their futures! They are about to start a wonderful journey of understanding themselves, building awareness, and learning the tools needed to help them succeed in their goals. However, things are likely going to change for you as well. It’s not always clear how your relationship will be impacted, so this guide is to help give you an overview of what to expect during their coaching journey.
First things first - it’s going to take some time for each challenge.
As your partner learns to navigate ADHD, they are going to be learning a lot of different tools. Each challenge is going to require its own strategy and the solutions aren’t one size fits all. It can be very easy to assume “fixing” the issue is a straight-forward line: they should be able to explain the issue and then a coach gives them the tool to navigate it - done. Right?
Unfortunately, it’s not quite that simple. ADHD manifests differently for everyone, and there are numerous variables that go into whether or not a strategy will be successful for your partner. Your partner is identifying what they want to value, prioritize, and what the main barriers are to achieving their goals. Then, they’ll need to trial different strategies as unique situations come up.
One way to think about this is a bit like playing chess. When you move one piece, it changes how you look at the entire board! Every game is going to be different, but as you get more and more familiar with strategies, you get better at knowing what your next step might be.
💡 Tips for Supporting Your ADHD Partner:
- Be patient and understanding that finding the right strategies and solutions is a process of trial and error.
- Celebrate small wins and progress, even if it seems incremental.
- Encourage your partner to keep an open mind and be willing to try different approaches until they find what works best for them.
Growth isn’t always visible.
While ADHD may impact your relationship, and may be a great motivator for your partner to continue, it’s essential that you remember that the coaching is oriented towards their individual growth. Your partner’s goals might be focused on self-development before you see relationship action items playing out in your day-to-day. Progress may happen in subtle ways that are not immediately obvious, such as increased self-awareness, better emotional regulation, or improved decision-making skills. Just because they’ve started their journey doesn’t mean you see every step.
💡 Tips for Supporting Your ADHD Partner:
- Recognize that personal growth may not always be immediately apparent in your day-to-day interactions.
- Avoid making assumptions or judgments about your partner's progress based solely on external factors or behaviors.
- Avoid putting pressure on your partner to demonstrate progress or share details of their coaching sessions.
Coaching is only effective when it’s driven by the coachee, your loved one.
If you’re a partner who brought up ADHD coaching as a potential support, that’s amazing that you want to do and find everything you can to make life a little better for you and your partner. Where we have to be careful is imposing what WE as partners envision the goals to be; let their goals take priority and everything else will fall in line over time. It’s been shown that coaching is most effective when the individual is taking ownership of the goals and comes from within - by pushing more, it can actually making the coaching process harder in the long run. You can talk about how things impact you, but you can’t push loved ones into help. Forcing it tends to backfire!
💡 Tips for Supporting Your ADHD Partner:
- Respect your partner's autonomy and let them take ownership of their goals and priorities.
- Offer support and encouragement, but avoid imposing your own vision or expectations on their coaching journey.
- Have open and honest conversations about how their ADHD impacts you, but don't push them into solutions they're not ready for.
Coaching is a private place.
You want to be there and support your loved ones- of course! But it’s easy to feel as partners that we need to know everything going on in order to be a support. Coaching in similar to therapy in that the session is a protected and private space. Your loved one might need time after session to process what was talked about, to figure out what they need from you, or may choose to not talk about it at all. This doesn’t mean that they’re shutting you out, but it might not be right for their journey. You can always share your emotions on how you feel about not knowing more about what’s going on, but be careful to respect their safe space. If you struggle with them having a private space, you might need to pause and figure out what’s underneath all those feelings and talk to your partner about what would make you BOTH comfortable.
💡 Tips for Supporting Your ADHD Partner:
- Understand that your partner's coaching sessions are a safe and private space for them to explore and process their thoughts and feelings.
- Respect their need for privacy and don't pressure them to share details of their sessions.
- If you struggle with not knowing the details, have an open and respectful conversation with your partner about finding a balance that works for both of you.
There are going to be some bumps; one solution might not last forever.
This is probably going to be one of the more aggravating aspects - your partner finds a great way to remember to stay on top of their work and they no longer are pulling late hours. They’re coming home at a reasonable time and keeping their work laptop away for the night! Three months go by and they’ve completely abandoned their new system. WHY?! ADHD brains tend to need different types of motivation to be able to continue on a goal. If your partner is motivated by novelty, something new needs to be introduced to keep the momentum going. This doesn’t mean the first idea didn’t work, but it might need to be rotated out.
Again, they didn’t stop using those techniques because they’re not prioritizing the tools, they thought they did enough, or started slacking off. It genuinely was no longer working for them and they couldn’t get the motivation going. Keep in mind that personal growth is often non-linear, with periods of progress followed by plateaus or even temporary setbacks.
💡 Tips for Supporting Your ADHD Partner:
- Be prepared for your partner to need to adapt and try new strategies as their needs and motivations change.
- Avoid getting frustrated or discouraged if a strategy that worked well initially becomes less effective over time.
- Encourage your partner to remain flexible and open to trying new approaches when old ones stop working.
Embracing Growth, Understanding, and Partnership
Supporting your partner through their ADHD coaching journey can be both rewarding and challenging. It requires patience, understanding, and a willingness to respect their process. Remember, this journey is ultimately about their personal growth and self-discovery. As a partner, your role is to be a source of encouragement, support, and a safe space for them to explore and navigate their unique experiences with ADHD. Trust that their coach is guiding them through this process and that progress may not always be immediately visible or linear. Embrace the bumps in the road as opportunities for growth and learning. Be flexible and open-minded, as your partner may need to try different strategies and approaches before finding what works best for them.
Most importantly, communicate openly and honestly with your partner about your feelings, concerns, and needs. With patience, understanding, and a commitment to mutual respect and support, you can navigate this journey together and emerge with a deeper appreciation for each other and the unique challenges that ADHD can present.
