Imagine you're at a party. Everyone else seems to be having a great time - sipping their drinks, laughing, making tiny hats for frogs. You know, normal party things.
Meanwhile, your brain is buzzing with a million thoughts. What did that look mean? Am I smiling too much? Who’s cat is that? Can I pet it? Oh no, what did he just say?
You keep noticing your leg bouncing like a possessed pogo stick very time you stop looking at it, and you're fighting the urge to blurt out every fact you know about the mating habits of sea slugs because someone just mentioned they went to the beach last weekend.
(Definitely not personal anecdotes 👀)
That internal struggle to appear "normal," to fit in, to hide or suppress certain behaviors, or otherwise control the way you’re perceived by others? That’s ADHD masking in action. If you're an adult with ADHD, chances are you've used masking as a coping skill at some point - perhaps without even realizing it.
What is masking in ADHD?
Masking happens when we consciously or unconsciously hide our ADHD traits to meet social expectations in a world that isn't always accommodating to neurodivergent people. While masking might sometimes feel necessary for safety or survival, maintaining this performance comes at a personal cost.
Common ADHD masking examples include:
- Restraining our natural enthusiasm or communication style
- Arriving ridiculously early to appointments to compensate for time management challenges
- Making intense eye contact to appear focused (while our mind might be elsewhere)
- Over-explaining our actions because we're afraid others will misunderstand our ADHD moments
- Creating rigid, inflexible routines that look "organized" on the outside but leave us anxious and exhausted
Are you masking your ADHD?
It’s entirely possible that you’re masking in ways you aren’t even aware of. Frequent reflection can help you develop more self-awareness about the ways you’re coping with stress, overstimulation, and other ADHD symptoms and challenges. If you’re not sure whether you’ve been masking, here are a few reflection questions to use:
In Social Situations:
- Do you feel exhausted after social interactions, even when they were supposedly "casual"?
- Are you constantly monitoring yourself to make sure you're not interrupting or talking too much?
- Do you find yourself mimicking others' behavior or communication styles to fit in?
- Have you developed physical techniques to appear focused (like intense eye contact) that feel unnatural?
At Work or School:
- Have you created elaborate systems to appear organized that actually cause more stress?
- Do you rehearse simple interactions before they happen?
- Are you hesitant to ask for help or accommodations that could genuinely help you?
- Do you find yourself frequently explaining or apologizing for behaviors that might be related to ADHD?
With Yourself:
- Do you feel a wave of relief when you're finally alone and can "be yourself"?
- Is there a big difference between how you present yourself and how you feel inside?
- Do you struggle with imposter syndrome, feeling like you're deceiving others about your capabilities?
- Do you often feel misunderstood, even by people close to you?
Other:
- Do people say you seem different or more relaxed when you're alone or with close friends?
- Do you intentionally downplay or hide your enthusiasm to avoid appearing "too much" for others?
- Am you afraid of people discovering your ADHD-related challenges?
ADHD is a disability*, and that's okay. Having a disability doesn't make you less valuable or capable – it's simply part of human diversity. While ADHD presents real challenges that deserve acknowledgment and support, it's also just one part of who you are. You don't need to hide your struggles, nor do you need to pretend they're secretly gifts. You can be both disabled and talented, both struggling and succeeding.
(We recognize that not everyone sees it that way, and if you don't that's fine! Our stance is that ADHD can be disabling, and therefore, calling it a disability is both validating for those who do feel that way, and more helpful for accessing needed accommodations.)
A costly coping skill
While masking ADHD can sometimes help us navigate social situations more smoothly, it comes with a hefty price tag. In the long term it's exhausting, uncomfortable, and ultimately unsustainable.
Long-term effects of masking in ADHD
- 😫 Exhaustion and burnout. Maintaining a constant awareness of your behavior, and how others may be interpreting it, uses up a great deal of working memory. It’s like having 100 tabs open in your browser while you’re trying to work. It’s distracting, overwhelming, and eventually your brain is going to crash.
- 💔 Reduced self-esteem. When we conceal parts of ourselves, it often stems from shame or fear of judgment. The more energy we invest in hiding our true nature instead of accepting and embracing who we are, the deeper our shame tends to grow.
- 🔍 Identity loss. Like an actor who's played the same character for so long that he begins to lose touch with his true self, constantly masking ADHD symptoms can blur the lines between who you are, and who you want others will think you are. Over time, you may find yourself "staying in character" even when you're alone, unsure where the mask ends and your true self begins, and leaving you feeling lost in your own life.
- ❌ Inaccurate diagnoses. Masking can also make it challenging for healthcare professionals to accurately diagnose ADHD - especially in women and girls, who face more social scrutiny and may be more likely to engage in these behaviors.
Is masking ADHD bad?
It’s important to recognize that masking isn’t inherently bad or unhealthy. Everyone engages in some masking behaviors, whether they have ADHD or not. For example, we may use fewer curse words at work, or dress extra nice for special events. These “socially acceptable” types of masking aren’t inherently problematic. Masking is typically only problematic when it causes you harm, like internalized shame, burnout, or relationship challenges.
Shedding the mask
As we begin this new year, we're not interested in "new year, new you" or in pretending that ADHD isn't challenging. We're interested in creating space for "new year, MORE you" - more authenticity where it's safe to do so, more understanding of your needs, and more self-acceptance. Your ADHD is a part of who you are, not something to be ashamed of or hidden away. It's absolutely possible to find a balance where you can effectively manage your symptoms AND still be true to yourself.
If you're struggling with ADHD masking, consider reaching out to an ADHD coach. They can help you identify masking behaviors, create a plan for slowly unmasking in safe spaces, help you advocate for yourself, and learn strategies that work with your brain. In the end, the goal isn't to "fix" your ADHD, but to embrace it as a unique part of your identity. As you shed each layer, you’ll likely find you have more energy, deeper relationships, and a stronger sense of self.
By shedding the mask and embracing your true self, you open the door to a more fulfilling life. You might even inspire others to do the same!
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