Imagine you're at a party. Everyone else seems to be having a great time - sipping their drinks, laughing, making tiny hats for frogs. You know, normal party things.
Meanwhile, your brain is buzzing with a million thoughts. What did that look mean? Am I smiling too much? Who’s cat is that? Can I pet it? Oh no, what did he just say?
You keep noticing your leg bouncing like a possessed pogo stick very time you stop looking at it, and you're fighting the urge to blurt out every fact you know about the mating habits of sea slugs because someone just mentioned they went to the beach last weekend.
(Definitely not personal anecdotes 👀)
That internal struggle to appear "normal," to fit in, to hide or suppress certain behaviors, or otherwise control the way you’re perceived by others? That’s ADHD masking in action. If you're an adult with ADHD, chances are you've used masking as a coping skill at some point - perhaps without even realizing it.
What is masking in ADHD?
ADHD masking refers to the conscious or unconscious efforts made by individuals with ADHD to hide or suppress their symptoms. It's like being an actor on a stage, constantly performing to meet social expectations and avoid negative judgments or stigma.
ADHD masking examples:
- Restraining fidgeting or hyperactive tendencies
- Overly intense focus during social interactions
- Concealing or downplaying emotions
- Arriving excessively early to appointments
- Over-explaining mistakes or reasoning for decisions
- Implementing rigid routines that are so inflexible that unexpected changes cause huge problems
A costly coping skill
While masking ADHD can sometimes help us navigate social situations more smoothly, it comes with a hefty price tag. In the long term it's exhausting, uncomfortable, and ultimately unsustainable.
Long-term effects of masking in ADHD
- 😫 Exhaustion and burnout. Maintaining a constant awareness of your behavior, and how others may be interpreting it, uses up a great deal of working memory. It’s like having 100 tabs open in your browser while you’re trying to work. It’s distracting, overwhelming, and eventually your brain is going to crash.
- 💔 Reduced self-esteem. When we conceal parts of ourselves, it often stems from shame or fear of judgment. The more energy we invest in hiding our true nature instead of accepting and embracing who we are, the deeper our shame tends to grow.
- 🔍 Identity loss. Like an actor who's played the same character for so long that he begins to lose touch with his true self, constantly masking ADHD symptoms can blur the lines between who you are, and who you want others will think you are. Over time, you may find yourself "staying in character" even when you're alone, unsure where the mask ends and your true self begins, and leaving you feeling lost in your own life.
- ❌ Inaccurate diagnoses. Masking can also make it challenging for healthcare professionals to accurately diagnose ADHD - especially in women and girls, who face more social scrutiny and may be more likely to engage in these behaviors.
Is masking ADHD bad?
It’s important to recognize that masking isn’t inherently bad or unhealthy. Everyone engages in some masking behaviors, whether they have ADHD or not. For example, we may use fewer curse words at work, or dress extra nice for special events. These “socially acceptable” types of masking aren’t inherently problematic. Masking is typically only problematic when it causes you harm, like internalized shame, burnout, or relationship challenges.
Are you masking your ADHD?
It’s entirely possible that you’re masking in ways you aren’t even aware of. Frequent reflection can help you develop more self-awareness about the ways you’re coping with stress, overstimulation, and other ADHD symptoms and challenges. If you’re not sure whether you’ve been masking, here are a few reflection questions to use:
- Do I often feel exhausted after social interactions or workdays, even when they weren't particularly demanding?
- Have I developed elaborate systems or routines to appear organized or on top of things?
- Do I frequently rehearse conversations or scenarios in my head before they happen?
- Am I constantly monitoring my behavior to ensure I'm not interrupting others or speaking out of turn?
- Do people say I seem different or more relaxed when I'm alone or with close friends?
- Do I intentionally downplay or hide my enthusiasm to avoid appearing "too much" for others?
- Am I afraid of people discovering my ADHD-related challenges?
- Do I find myself explaining or apologizing for behaviors that might be related to ADHD?
- Am I hesitant to ask for help or accommodations, even when I know they would benefit me?
- Do I feel a sense of relief when I'm alone and can "drop the act"?
- Have I noticed a discrepancy between how I present myself publicly and how I feel internally?
- Do I often feel misunderstood, even by people close to me?
- Do I struggle with imposter syndrome, feeling like I'm deceiving others about my capabilities?
- Have I developed physical techniques to appear focused (like intense eye contact) that feel unnatural?
- Do I find myself mimicking others' behavior to fit in?
How to stop masking with ADHD
Unmasking is a process, so try to be patient with yourself. The key is finding a balance between managing your symptoms and embracing your unique ADHD traits.
- Practice self-acceptance & compassion. Embrace your ADHD as part of who you are, not a flaw to be hidden. Be kind to yourself when you struggle; remember that it's okay to make mistakes.
- Consider ADHD coaching. An ADHD coach can help identify masking behaviors and their triggers, assist in developing personalized strategies for managing symptoms without hiding them, suggest accommodations that reduce the need for masking, and more.
- Identify your masking behaviors. Recognize when and how you mask to become more aware of these patterns.
- Start small. Choose safe environments to gradually let your true self show.
- Communicate your needs. Learn to express your ADHD-related needs to others clearly and assertively. When safe to do so, request necessary adjustments at work or in educational settings to support your ADHD needs.
- Surround yourself with supportive people. Build a network of friends, family, and colleagues who accept you as you are. Consider joining an ADHD support group.
- Practice mindfulness. Use mindfulness techniques to stay present and reduce anxiety about others' perceptions.
- Set realistic expectations. Adjust your personal and professional goals to align with your capabilities and challenges.
- Take regular breaks. Allow yourself time to recharge and avoid burnout from constant masking.
Shedding the mask
Your ADHD is a part of who you are, not something to be ashamed of or hidden away. It's absolutely possible to find a balance where you can effectively manage your symptoms AND still be true to yourself.
If you're struggling with ADHD masking, consider reaching out to an ADHD coach. They can help you identify masking behaviors, create a plan for slowly unmasking in safe spaces, help you advocate for yourself, and learn strategies that work with your brain.
In the end, the goal isn't to "fix" your ADHD, but to embrace it as a unique part of your identity. As you shed each layer, you’ll likely find you have more energy, deeper relationships, and a stronger sense of self.
By shedding the mask and embracing your true self, you open the door to a more fulfilling life. You might even inspire others to do the same!
