You know that moment when you're staring at your messy desk, wondering if your inability to maintain a "normal" workspace is an ADHD thing or just a personal failing? (If you're anything like me, you've probably had this thought while simultaneously reorganizing your workspace for the third time this week, convinced that this time the magical storage solution will stick.)
In our last post, we talked about moving beyond the question "Is this ADHD or me?" toward a more integrated understanding of ourselves. Instead of trying to separate "ADHD traits" from "real traits," we proposed focusing on "new year, more me” — because trying to separate ADHD traits from "real" traits is like trying to separate the blue from the ocean. (*Good luck with that!)
Today, we're turning this understanding into action. How do we practically move from questioning which parts are "really us" - as if we're some kind of neurological puzzle to be solved - to accepting and working with our whole selves? Let's explore some practical ways to shift our mindset and build genuine self-acceptance – no color-coded planner required.
🔄 Shifting the questions we ask
The questions we ask shape how we understand ourselves—but some of those questions are more helpful than others. When we stop trying to categorize our traits, and instead ask questions focused on understanding and growth, new possibilities emerge. Let’s check out an example.
Take a moment to ask yourself, "Is my difficulty with routines ADHD, or laziness?"
Notice what thoughts arise and how they make you feel. Then, try these questions instead:
- What makes it harder for me to maintain routines?
- When do routines work better for me?
- What kind of support would make this easier?
Different vibe, right? Same goes for our strengths. Instead of "Is my creativity ADHD, or just me?” try:
- How can I make the most of my creative periods?
- What environments help my creativity flourish?
- How can I build flexibility around my creative process?
Notice how the first question traps you into making an unhelpful, binary choice: either it's "ADHD" (implying you can't change it) or it's "laziness" (implying moral failure). Neither answer gives you a path forward. The alternative questions, on the other hand, skip the labeling entirely and focus on understanding patterns and identifying specific changes that could help.
🌱 Building self-trust
Questioning which parts of you are "real" versus "ADHD" can erode your self-trust. Many of us, especially those with a late ADHD diagnosis, have internalized messages that our natural ways of functioning were wrong or needed fixing. This created a cycle: we doubted our instincts, fought against our natural patterns, and interpreted the resulting struggles as proof that we couldn't trust ourselves.
Rebuilding self-trust starts with accepting your experiences as valid - even when they differ from what your most organized friend swears by. Here are a couple ways to put that into practice:
Ways To Notice What Works
- Keep a "wins jar" - drop in small notes about moments that felt good
- Set a daily phone reminder for a 30-second check-in: "What felt easy today?"
- ❗Pro Tip: If you respond to texts but ignore alarms, schedule a text reminder to yourself using the same notification sound as your partner or close friend. You'll be more likely to check it.
- Create a "sparkle folder" in your photos to screenshot evidence of things going well
- Use voice notes to capture good moments as they happen
Ways To Track Patterns Without Judgment
- Use emoji ratings in your calendar to track energy (🔥,😊,😴)
- Take quick photos of your workspace when things are flowing well
- Set up a simple mood tracking app that takes less than 10 seconds to use. (I like How We Feel for this).
- Keep a pad by your bed for a nightly 3-word summary of the day (or one emoji – we're not picky)
Ways To Challenge Internalized Doubt
- Set phone wallpaper with reminder: "Different ≠ Wrong"
- Create a permission slip note in your wallet (yes, literally write yourself a permission slip to be you)
- Record a voice message to yourself about accepting your needs
- Save screenshots of positive feedback to counter self-doubt (because our memories can be selective jerks about this stuff)
Like learning to swim with the current instead of fighting it, building self-trust means learning to work with your whole self rather than doubting your natural patterns. This isn't just about accepting yourself; it's about creating space for more effective strategies and sustainable growth.
🛡️ Setting boundaries
Your brain works in specific ways, and you've developed systems that work for you. You don't need to justify or change them because they make others uncomfortable.
What to Address:
- Unsolicited advice about "fixing" your ADHD traits
- Comments framing your differences as character flaws
- Pressure to conform to neurotypical work styles
- Dismissive remarks about your accommodations
Some practical boundaries:
- "My noise-canceling headphones aren't rudeness, they're a tool I need."
- "I appreciate the suggestion, but my current system works for me."
- "Please don't tell me I 'just need to try harder.'"
- "I use reminders/notes/alarms because they work, not because I don't care."
- "When you call my needs 'excuses,' it hurts our relationship. I need you to respect my way of functioning."
Be firm but matter-of-fact. You're not asking permission to work differently – you're informing others about how you work best. Setting boundaries isn't about being difficult, and it’s not selfish. It's about protecting the strategies that help you thrive. It’s about loving yourself - and your brain. Like using noise-canceling headphones in a busy office, boundaries can help filter out the unhelpful noise of others' judgments.
💖 Leaning into what works
Think about Sherlock Holmes and Watson. While Watson followed conventional methods, Sherlock's seemingly chaotic approach – jumping between ideas, hyperfocusing on obscure details, and making unexpected connections – often cracked the case.
This perspective transforms daily experiences:
- You recognize your unique approaches as strengths, not flaws
- You trust your instincts (even when they're unconventional)
- You build systems that support your natural way of solving problems
Like Sherlock's brilliance came from embracing his unique way of thinking rather than conforming to Scotland Yard's methods, your best work will come from embracing your natural patterns.
