"Is this behavior ADHD, or is it just me?"
As an ADHD coach, I hear this question constantly. It comes up when clients are frustrated with procrastination ("Is it ADHD or am I just lazy?"), when they're celebrating creativity ("Is this ADHD or am I just naturally imaginative?"), or when they're trying to understand their emotional responses ("Is this ADHD or is this just how I feel?").
As we enter a new year, this question often intensifies. While others are making resolutions about "new year, new me," we might find ourselves struggling with an even more fundamental question: which parts of us need to change, and which parts are just... us? But what if, instead of "new year, new me," we focused on "new year, more me" – creating space to understand and work with our whole selves, ADHD and all?
🧠 Why can't we separate ADHD from self?
ADHD isn't like a jacket you can take off, or a filter you can remove to reveal your "true" self underneath. It's a neurodevelopmental condition – which means it's about how your brain is structured and how it's worked your entire life.
In fact, using MRI and other imaging, researchers found that ADHD brains:
- Are smaller overall than the average brain
- Have a few specific regions that are different sizes than in neurotypical brains
- Have a thinner outer layer than neurotypical brains
- Have differently-structured connections between brain regions
These differences in turn impact the brain’s processing speed, the pathways information flows through, which brain chemicals are produced and in what amounts…and much more.
Think about it this way: every thought, feeling, and behavior you have comes from your brain. And your brain has always been an ADHD brain. So trying to separate what's "you" from what's "ADHD" is like trying to separate the blue from the ocean – it's not just impossible, it's missing the point entirely.
💔 The hidden weight of this question
When we look closer at when this question typically comes up, we notice something interesting: we tend to ask it most often about traits or behaviors we view as problematic. We rarely ask "Is this ADHD or me?" about our strengths or neutral characteristics.
This reveals some hidden assumptions:
- That ADHD traits are inherently negative and need to be "fixed"
- That our "real self" must be the version of us without ADHD
- That understanding which parts are "ADHD" might help us eliminate them
These assumptions often come from internalized ableism – the unconscious belief that being neurotypical is better or more "normal." It's not our fault; we live in a world that often sends these messages. But recognizing these assumptions is the first step in challenging them.
Other times, this question comes from a place of grief or loss – especially for those of us diagnosed later in life. (I wasn’t diagnosed until the last semester of grad school, at 29 years old). We might wonder who we "would have been" without ADHD, or feel anger about past struggles that might have been easier with earlier support.
This grief is valid. It's okay to wish things had been different or easier, and it’s important to take the time you need to process and come to terms with that grief. But staying stuck in trying to separate "ADHD you" from "real you" creates an internal conflict that can:
- Prevent genuine self-acceptance
- Lead to increased masking and burnout
- Block us from developing effective strategies
- Reinforce shame about our differences
- Keep us stuck in cycles of trying to "overcome" our brain's natural tendencies
⏩ Moving toward integration
Your traits and tendencies are part of who you are. Rather than try to categorize them by origin, it’s often much more beneficial to first examine to what extent they are helpful, neutral, or hindering in your life. To do so, rather than asking "Is this ADHD or me?", we might instead ask questions which acknowledge that ADHD is part of who we are while focusing on practical ways to support ourselves. For example:
- How does this trait or behavior impact my life?
- In what situations does this aspect of myself help or challenge me?
- What kind of support might help me work with this part of myself?
- What environments allow me to thrive?
With better insight into these questions, you’ll be better positioned to:
- Create environments that work for your brain
- Develop strategies that match your natural patterns
- Ask for accommodations when needed
- Build flexibility into your systems
🖼️ A new framework
ADHD isn't separate from who you are—but it also doesn't define everything about you. It's just one part of your complex, unique identity. Just like the ocean isn't just blue (it's also deep, moving, full of life), you aren't just your ADHD – you're a whole person whose traits and tendencies are influenced by countless factors, including but not limited to how your brain works.
Understanding this can be incredibly liberating. Instead of trying to figure out which parts of you are "really you" versus ADHD, you can focus your energy on understanding yourself as a whole person and creating the support systems you need to thrive.
If this post resonates with you, keep an eye out for our next post! We’ll explore practical ways to work with your whole self, including additional questions for self-reflection, building self-trust, and what to do when you encounter challenges.
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