Have you ever been swept off your feet by someone new? In the early stages of dating, their affection and interest can feel intoxicating. The nonstop texting, frequent dates, effusive compliments - it's all so flattering and exciting. But what if that intense pursuit isn't the fairy tale it seems?
Love bombing is when someone showers you with excessive adoration and attention as a manipulative tactic. It's like being a frog slowly getting used to hot water before it boils. The love bomber's aim is to quickly attach you to them emotionally before revealing their true controlling colors.
For those with ADHD, “love bombing” may become an unintentional pattern in relationships. Between impulsivity and emotional dysregulation - key symptoms of ADHD - neurospicy romantics are more prone to being swept away by the whirlwind of excitement that comes from new romance.
In this post, we'll explore what love bombing is, what it looks like in an ADHD context, and tips to tame those wild hearts to avoid unintentional harm.
💣What is Love Bombing?
Love bombing is a form of emotional manipulation and abuse. It occurs when someone showers you with excessive flattery, attention, gifts, and promises of future commitment very early in a relationship. In essence, the "bomber" overwhelms you with grand displays of affection in quick succession. You're flooded with constant communication, expensive gifts, and intense intimacy or sex from the very start. It can mimic the intoxicating infatuation stage of a relationship.
The motive? To get you attached fast. By overwhelming you with artificial idealization, they seek to quickly create a tight emotional bond that's hard to break. They know they can’t keep up the same level of intensity forever (and, really, they have no desire to do so, anyway). They need to gain your devotion and trust. Once they feel you’re “locked in,” they drop the façade, revealing their true, controlling nature. Subsequently, they begin a chaotic, hot/cold cycle to intentionally diminish your boundaries, independence and decision-making abilities. It's a classic narcissistic ploy to inflate your ego temporarily before attempting to chip away at your self-worth over time. Sadly, love bombing is just the manipulative beginning of an abusive relationship cycle.
What is ADHD Love Bombing?
When someone with ADHD starts dating a new partner, their ability to hyperfocus on novel interests extends to the blossoming romance as well. They can become completely enamored and fixated on this new exciting person in their life. The person with ADHD may shower their new partner with excessive displays of affection - frequent calls and texts, grand romantic gestures, wanting to spend every free moment together, and effusive compliments and gifts. There's often a strong tendency to move rapidly into high levels of commitment before really getting to know their partner. Things like moving in together, getting engaged, or making future life plans happen at warp speed during this initial "honeymoon" phase.
Sound familiar? 🤔
Ultimately, while this pattern can be mistaken for love bombing, it really isn’t. For those with ADHD, this “love bombing” stems from their excitement and novelty-seeking tendencies rather than a desire to manipulate. They truly care deeply about the person and the relationship, and are excited to show their new partner that enthusiasm (even if we express love in some slightly different ways). Hyperfocus in ADHD relationships can make us dive deep fast—too fast. We're not just falling in love; we're freefalling.
Of course, that intensity feels incredibly exciting and validating, but is unsustainable long-term. A core challenge in ADHD relationships is the inability to sustain high levels of interest and attention over time. As the novelty wears off, the person with ADHD will start to lose that initial, intense focus, shifting their attention back towards other interests, hobbies, or projects.
To the non-ADHD partner, this can feel like a sudden, painful abandonment after the preceding intensity. Failed attempts to reconnect and re-engage their ADHD partner may breed resentment, hurt, and fighting. Thus, even though the ADHD partner's lack of engagement is not malicious, it can still end up creating a similar hot/cold cyclical dynamic as an intentionally love bombing abuser. When the current hyperfocus inevitably breaks down and the ADHD partner tries to re-engage in the relationship, it's often too late. What started as an exciting whirlwind romance deteriorates into an unstable, draining cycle for both people.
⚠️ How to avoid Love Bombing with adult ADHD
Understanding the line between unhealthy love bombing and the intense affection in ADHD relationships is crucial. Both scenarios can sweep you off your feet, but with awareness and strategies, we can foster relationships built to last - not just dazzle. For those with ADHD, being aware of your tendency toward intense hyperfocus and impulsivity in new relationships is crucial. It allows you to intentionally pump the brakes and avoid love bombing a new partner, even inadvertently. Here are some tips:
- Pace yourself. It’s a relationship, not a race. Don't disclose too much personal information on the first date, and avoid making impulsive decisions (like moving in together right away). If you have an ADHD coach, a therapist, or even a trusted friend to ask, plan in advance how long you intend to wait for big reveals and big decisions so they can help keep you accountable.
- Set boundaries. Communicate clearly about how much time/attention you want to give, and in what ways you enjoy expressing affection. You may even decide to tell them you have ADHD, and that you are prone to going a bit fast when you really like someone, and that you’d appreciate it if they let you know if you’re coming on too fast too furious 🚗🔥
- Listen. When emotions run high - even positive ones - they make it tough to really hear what others are saying. Take time to check in - ask your partner how they’re feeling about the relationship, and what you could do differently to make them more comfortable.
- Manage hyperfocus. If you get bored easily, be upfront about needing novelty in the relationship. Make yourself a list of other passions, hobbies, interests, and relationships you want to put time into, and make intentional effort to follow through on them. If you’re not sure how, ADHD coaching can help.
Strategies for the non-ADHD partner
Feeling overwhelmed by your partner’s intense gestures and affection early in the relationship? It’s understandable, especially when dealing with hyperfocus in ADHD relationships. Here are some strategies to help you navigate this whirlwind romance with love and care:
- Speak up. If your partner's intense affection makes you feel pressured, it's important to voice your concerns. Let them know if you’re feeling overwhelmed. This helps your partner understand your perspective and take accountability for their actions.
- Set and maintain boundaries. Clearly define your boundaries and stick to them. Communicate clearly about how much time/attention you can give. Let them know in what ways you're willing and able to express your love and affection. This helps create a healthy balance between togetherness and independence. Firm boundaries allow both partners to maintain their individual identities and space, which is essential for a sustainable relationship.
- Learn about ADHD. Understanding ADHD better can help you avoid misunderstandings and see the true intentions behind your partner's actions. Read up on ADHD, join support groups, and learn from others' experiences. If your partner is in ADHD coaching, learn how to best support their journey.
- Practice Self-Care. Remember, you can't pour from an empty cup. Self-care isn’t selfish; it’s essential for maintaining a healthy, balanced relationship. Taking care of yourself will help you be loving and patient with your partner, and it’ll also help you stick to your guns if boundary issues come up.
🆚Love Bombing vs. ADHD hyperfocus
Ultimately, while people with ADHD genuinely care about partners and don’t have malicious intentions, we still need to take extra care at the beginning of a new relationship to temper our enthusiasm if we want to avoid unintentional harm. ADHD doesn’t make you a bad partner! Setting boundaries with yourself is key so that you can plan ahead to pace yourself and manage hyperfocus. We have so much love to give, and it’s hard not to get carried away. But the right tools and supports can help you slow down and sniff those roses (rather than bringing them along to every date).
