You’ve heard of love languages - but did you know that there are neurodivergent equivalents?
Considering that someone with ADHD experiences the world differently, it makes sense that they would give and receive love in a unique way, too.
We’re about to dive into some fun date-night options that foster connection because not only are they acts of love - they support the challenges that come with ADHD and resonate deeply with neurospicy brains (and hearts!)
What are the 5 love languages?
Derived from Gary Chapman’s book of the same name, love languages are ways that people prefer to express and receive love in a relationship. The five traditional love languages are:
🤗 Physical touch
🕰️ Quality time
💬 Words of affirmation
🎁 Gifts
❤️ Acts of service
Understanding someone’s love language can make a huge impact on your relationship because you can give love in a way they can receive. The same goes for someone’s ADHD love language.
It’s important to note that the concept of Love Languages isn’t based in science. It’s just one of the more popular or well-known frameworks for communicating intimacy needs in a relationship. What matters most is having open conversations with our partners about what makes us feel cared for - whether that fits into these categories or not. You may find that other needs - such as shared experience or emotional security - are more important to you. Even people who share the same love language might value different expressions of it. For instance, "I love you" and "I appreciate you" are both words of affirmation, but one might mean more to you than the other.
In short, the love language framework can be a helpful starting point for talking about how we express and receive love - but the conversation still needs to happen!
💡 Pro Tip: When you take the love language test, the results refer to the ways you prefer to receive love from others. You might prefer to express love in different ways.
ADHD in relationships: Date night ideas for each love language
Planning the perfect date night can feel overwhelming when you have ADHD. But understanding your partner's love language (and your own) can make it easier to create meaningful moments together. Here are some ADHD-friendly date ideas organized by love language that keep our unique needs in mind.
1. Physical touch - aka the deep squeeze
For someone with Adult ADHD, physical touch is more than a casual embrace. Many neurodivergent folks need the sensation of deep pressure during physical affection. Think of it as trying to “crush the soul” back into their bodies.
Deep pressure from a tight embrace can trigger the release of serotonin and dopamine as the parasympathetic nervous system gets activated. All that really means is that a tight squeeze can help someone with ADHD feel safe, connected, and calm.
Date ideas:
- Spa night: Put on soothing (not overstimulating) music, dim the lights, and create an at-home spa. Give your partner a deep pressure massage that will help them feel relaxed and stop overstimulation in its tracks.
- Movie night: A movie night might sound like a mundane date option, but throw in a nest of pillows, a weighted blanket, and some snuggles, and your neurospicy partner will be loving life.
💡 Pro tip: A tight handhold while out and about will also do the trick.
2. Quality time, neurodivergent style
Parallel play is a popular term in the neurodivergent world. All it means is spending time together without necessarily interacting. Parallel play allows you to be in each other’s space without the pressure to actively engage with each other. This allows you to respect each other’s energy and stimulation needs. Parallel play is about the comfort and reassurance that comes with knowing that your presence and silence are valued just as much as your interactions.
Date ideas:
- Parallel play night: Plan an evening where you each set up an activity you want to do. Try to find activities you can do together, like reading, gaming, crafting, puzzling, etc.
- No-plan night: Why not give yourselves the freedom to have a night where you can each do whatever you want (in the same space) without expectations? This is great for someone with ADHD because they can tailor the evening to suit their energy level.
💡 Pro tip: Have noise-canceling headphones handy if one of you has a louder activity planned.
3. Words of affirmation…lots of them!
Many ADHD folks show love by sharing their interest in a certain topic. But, what they consider sharing is actually info-dumping. On the surface, it might seem like they’re sharing a bunch of random facts about a topic you’re not interested in. But info-dumping is so much more than that. When a neurodivergent person shares about a special interest, they’re inviting you into their world. It’s about trust, vulnerability, and connection.
Date ideas:
- Special interest spotlight: Dedicate an evening for your partner to share about a topic they love. Let them go all out with books, a documentary, or a slide deck. Actively engage and ask questions because it’s a powerful affirmation of love and acceptance.
- Real-world exploration: If your partner is an art fanatic, visit a gallery. Or, if they love the world of Tolkien or Greek mythology, head to the library to check out as many books as possible. Let them info-dump while in a setting that supports their interest.
💡 Pro tip: Do some research beforehand so you can actively participate in the info-dump!
4. Gift giving: the penguin edition
Worried date night will cost a fortune? Think again! Your ADHD partner thrives on giving (and receiving) seemingly insignificant gifts that show thoughtfulness and connection. This type of gift-giving is often called ‘Penguin Pebbling’ after the way penguins give stones to their mates.
Date ideas:
- Thrift store haul: Set a small budget and head to your local flea market or thrift store. The challenge is to find something that your partner would find meaningful. Give each other your gifts at the end of the date, explaining why you chose it.
- DIY gifts: Go for a “treasure walk” and find sticks, stones, leaves, etc., that you can use to craft. You could paint rocks, make a wind chime, or decorate a picture frame. The goal is to celebrate the small things your partner finds meaningful and turn them into something beautiful together.
💡 Pro tip: Keep a jar or box available to collect all the little “gifts” your partner gives you. They might not seem like much to you, but each of those objects was collected with you in mind.
5. Acts of support rather than service
ADHD and relationships can be tricky when it comes to simple household tasks. You see, ADHD can make mundane tasks like laundry or admin feel overwhelming. So, instead of doing something random for them, turn date night into an act of love by helping them with important tasks they dread.
Date ideas:
- Task swap: Take on tasks the other person finds challenging, but make it fun. Play music, set a timer, or make it a competition. For example, one of you can fold and pack away laundry while the other vacuums or unpacks the dishwasher.
- Cook together: Folks with ADHD often forget to eat, so make cooking together a date. Do the prep together and wash up while the other person cooks.
💡 Pro tip: Keep fizzy drinks and sweet snacks handy as motivation. An ADHD brain will love the dopamine hit.
Creating meaningful moments, one date night at a time
Learning to give and receive love in a way that truly resonates with you and your partner is such a gift. An ADHD coach can be an invaluable partner in navigating relationships with adult ADHD. Online ADHD coaching can help you learn to communicate your relationship needs more clearly, set boundaries, and navigate ADHD relationship challenges.
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