Being a parent is no walk in the park, and when you throw ADHD into the mix, it can feel like a roller coaster ride with no seatbelt. One of the toughest challenges? Managing anger.
I still vividly recall moments from my childhood filled with uncertainty and anxiety, all stemming from my dad's undiagnosed ADHD. His sudden, seemingly out-of-nowhere angry outbursts left me walking on eggshells, never knowing what might trigger his temper.
While he’s made solid improvements since my younger years, our relationship could have been much stronger, sooner, had he learned how to manage his emotions early on. So in this post, we’ll cover practical strategies and tips for dads with ADHD who may struggle with anger and emotional regulation like mine did.
Change is possible - let’s talk about how to make it happen.
Understanding the ADHD-Anger Connection
First things first - let's get on the same page about why anger can be such a big issue for dads with ADHD.
Like having a broken thermostat, ADHD can mess with your ability to regulate emotions like anger. Emotions may come on quicker, and be much more intense, than in someone without ADHD. In fact, about 70% of adults with ADHD report feeling more impatient and quick to anger than those without ADHD.
Brain imaging studies of ADHD emotional dysregulation show that ADHD brains are more likely to notice negative emotions than positive ones. They’re also slower to label emotions, both in themselves and in others - meaning we may suddenly feel these big, intense emotions, without knowing exactly what the emotions are. That experience alone can be frustrating. And until we can identify what the emotion is, it’s tough to know how to deal with it.
In some cases, irritability and angry outbursts may also be a side effect of ADHD medications - particularly amphetamine-based medications like Adderall.
Finally, outbursts and irritability are also linked to overwhelm from other symptoms and challenges, like managing daily responsibilities, relationships, time management, and even from the environment, as some people with ADHD are extra sensitive to sensory stimuli like sound, light, and texture.
Managing Anger in ADHD
Recognize the Triggers
Ever noticed how certain situations make your blood boil faster than others? These are your triggers. They might be things like:
- Noise overload: Kids screaming, TV blaring, dog barking – it all adds up.
- Chaos: Messy house, disorganized schedules, and last-minute changes can be overwhelming.
- Interruptions: Trying to focus and being constantly interrupted can be maddening.
Identifying these triggers is the first step to managing them. Keep a mental (or physical) note of what sets you off.
Create a Calming Routine
Routine can be a lifesaver. It helps create predictability and reduces stress. Here are a few ideas:
- Morning calm: Start your day with a few minutes of quiet time. Whether it’s a short meditation, a walk around the block, or just sipping coffee in peace, find what calms you.
- Scheduled breaks: Build short breaks into your day, especially during peak stress times. Even five minutes can make a difference.
- Evening wind-down: Establish a calming bedtime routine for yourself. This could be reading, listening to music, or a warm bath.
Communication is Key
Talking about your struggles with anger and ADHD is crucial. Share your challenges with your partner and older kids if they’re old enough to understand. Here’s how:
- Be upfront: Explain that sometimes you get angry quickly and that you're working on it. Brainstorm together a sign or signal your family members can give you when they are noticing your anger rise, to help you build awareness and implement regulating strategies sooner.
- **Ask for help:** Let them know how they can support you. Maybe it’s taking over certain tasks or giving you a heads-up before a big change.
- Apologize: When you do lose your temper, apologize. It shows you’re aware and working to improve. As a family, implement a do-over rule - for example, everyone gets one do-over when they speak before thinking.
Practice Mindfulness
Mindfulness can sound a bit woo-woo, but it's genuinely helpful. It's about being present in the moment and recognizing your emotions without judgment. When you feel anger rising (you’ll get better at this as you become more aware of what your triggers are), try this:
- Pause: Take a deep breath before reacting.
- Observe: Notice what you're feeling and why. Name the emotion – “I’m feeling angry because…”
- Respond: Choose a response instead of reacting impulsively. Maybe you need to step away for a moment or take a few more deep breaths.
The key to success with this, especially for people with ADHD, is to “pre-load” this response so that it comes more naturally - and to do that you need to come up with a plan ahead of time. Write down some of your triggers, and for each, write out a narrative of what you’ll do when you notice the trigger. Re-read the narrative(s) regularly.
Physical Activity
Exercise is a fantastic outlet for pent-up energy and frustration. It’s also one of the most effective natural ways to manage ADHD. It doesn’t have to be a full-on gym session. Try:
- Quick workouts: A short jog, a bike ride, or even some jumping jacks.
- Play with the kids: Kick a ball around, play tag, or have a dance-off in the living room.
- Solo activities: Sometimes, just a walk by yourself can clear your head.
Seek Professional Help
If anger feels overwhelming or unmanageable, seeking help is the best thing you can do not only for yourself, but your kiddos.
- Try CBT: Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) is particularly effective for learning to label emotions and manage ADHD and anger.
- Find an ADHD Coach: An online ADHD coach can help you identify triggers, and develop and implement tailored strategies for emotional regulation.
- Talk To Your Doctor: If medication is playing a role, your doctor can prescribe new or different medications, and can test for other potential causes, like low testosterone levels.
Final Thoughts
Being a dad with ADHD can be challenging, but it's important to remember that you’re not alone. Everyone loses their temper sometimes, and that's okay. What matters is making an effort to do better, for yourself and your family. Keep these tips in mind, and continue working towards being the patient, loving dad you aspire to be.
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