“The single most debilitating part of having ADHD is the shame…Fear and shame are the major learning disabilities.”
- Dr Hallowell
I remember the day vividly - I was sitting in a meeting, my heart racing as I struggled to focus on the discussion. I had forgotten an important deadline. Again. My supervisor’s disappointed look cut felt like a stab to the gut, and the familiar wave of shame washed over me. It wasn't just about missing the deadline; it was about feeling like I was constantly failing, no matter how hard I tried.
If you have ADHD, you probably know this feeling all too well.
Shame can be a persistent shadow for those of us with ADHD. It's that nagging voice in the back of our minds, telling us we're not good enough, that we’re always messing up. This silent, heavy burden affects our self-esteem and daily functioning, making it hard to enjoy our successes (or even see them at all).
But here's the thing: we don’t have to live under this cloud of shame. There are ways to understand it, address it, and ultimately, overcome it. In this post, we'll explore where this shame comes from, how it impacts us, and the strategies we can use to break free.
Sources of Shame in ADHD
For people with ADHD, shame is embedded deeply within the mind from a very young age. This shame usually stems from the repeated failure to meet the expectations of parents, teachers, and friends. In fact, one article suggests children with ADHD may receive as many as 20,000 negative remarks by the age of 10 - many more than their neurotypical peers. As we grow older, the criticism continues to pile up from interactions with employers, coworkers, and partners.
Even society at large plays a role in fostering our inner critic. Stigma, bigotry, and ignorance surrounding ADHD is still quite common. In the media we see characters portrayed as having ADHD, or showing ADHD symptoms, as annoying, unreliable, or burdensome. When we seek treatment - especially as adults - we’re more likely to be viewed with suspicion and skepticism than we are to receive help. Doubts about the validity of ADHD, especially in adults, is rampant - even in schools and in the medical field. Despite years of research supporting the fact that ADHD is not just a “childhood disorder,” that it’s more than just a lack of discipline, we’re inundated with doubts and dismissals often enough that some individuals with legitimate ADHD diagnoses begin to question whether they really have it.
Given the barrage of doubt and criticism, many of us try to hide our symptoms through masking or by developing coping skills that may be just as harmful as they are helpful (any other recovering perfectionists out there?). We stop asking for help, isolating ourselves rather than risking yet another lecture. In a cruel example of irony, hiding our struggles only amplifies the likelihood that when things fall apart, we’ll be regarded with suspicion.
Effects of Shame on ADHDers
Shame is not just a painful emotion; it creates a significant obstacle for adults with ADHD, profoundly impacting their self-esteem and daily functioning.
- Diminishes Accomplishments: Shame prevents adults with ADHD from taking pride in their achievements. They often attribute their successes to chance or others' efforts, making them almost immune to positive feedback.
- Perfectionism Trap: To avoid shame, many individuals with ADHD strive for perfection. They constantly assess what others value and attempt to meet those standards, often losing sight of their own desires and goals.
- Fear of Trying New Things: Shame can lead to a fear of attempting anything new unless guaranteed quick, complete, and easy success. This avoidance can be mistaken for laziness, further increasing feelings of shame and misunderstanding.
- Compulsive Dishonesty: Adults with ADHD may lie about difficult situations or mistakes to avoid facing them, which erodes trust and self-respect.
- Fear of Being "Too Much": There's a constant apprehension of overreacting, being too emotional, or talking excessively, leading to embarrassment and self-criticism.
- Long-term Impact: A 2009 study found that untreated ADHD can negatively affect work, quality of life, and relationships. It also increases the risk of mood disorders like depression and anxiety, as well as substance abuse issues due to self-medication.
- Toxic and Traumatic Effects: Shame raises stress hormone levels, which can damage memory and executive functions over time.
Strategies for overcoming shame
Overcoming shame is a journey, but there are practical strategies that can help. Here’s how you can start tackling these feelings and begin to reclaim your confidence and joy, plus quotes from Shimmer coaches on how they work with their clients on reducing shame.
Therapy
"Shame is not the symptom; the shame comes along with the symptoms of ADHD.”
- Coach Beth
- Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT): CBT helps you identify and challenge negative thought patterns. By working with an ADHD therapist, you can learn to reframe your thoughts and develop healthier ways to cope with shame.
- Mindfulness-Based Therapy: Mindfulness techniques teach you to stay present and reduce the impact of negative self-judgment. It helps in developing self-compassion and acceptance.
ADHD Coaching
“Sometimes I'll use the metaphor of shame being like a round-a-bout for cars. You feel shame so you don't X, and because you don't X, you feel shame; it's this continuous motion. I'll talk to my clients about the idea of [creating] an exit ramp. What that looks like, we might have to explore together, but an exit ramp is needed if they want to keep forward motion.”
- Coach Alex
- Strengths-Based Approach: By focusing on your unique strengths, and how to use them to address areas for improvement, ADHD coaches help you build confidence and reduce feelings of inadequacy.
- Positive Reinforcement: ADHD Coaches offer consistent encouragement and positive feedback, which can counteract the negative messages you’ve internalized.
Support Groups
"I think the things that can really help with that are surrounding oneself with other neurodivergent folks who get it and will normalize and give patience and love when these things come up. It can teach people how they should be treated, a little bit of anti-ableism."
- Coach Cailey
- Shared Experiences: Joining a support group connects you with others who understand your struggles. Sharing your experiences and hearing from others can be incredibly validating.
- Building Community: Support groups foster a sense of belonging and community, which can reduce feelings of isolation and shame.
Self-Compassion Exercises
“I use poetry to address things like shame with my clients often. I think the emotional side of shame is hard to capture in words alone sometimes. Here is a file of spoken word on shame. Hopefully the message is clear: shame? notice it. Choose to try. Even if it doesn’t work, we can find solace in the fact that the effort was made.”
- Coach Tory
- Positive Affirmations: Practicing positive self-talk can help counteract negative messages. Remind yourself of your strengths and achievements daily.
- Self-Care Routines: Prioritize activities that bring you joy and relaxation. Whether it’s reading, exercising, or spending time with loved ones, self-care is crucial for mental well-being.
Processing and Managing Shame
"I teach them to personify their guilt/shame/perfectionism. Getting the thoughts outside our bodies helps us feel more in control of them"
- Coach Staci
- Personifying Emotions: Try to visualize your guilt, shame, or perfectionism as characters. This can make it easier to address and manage these feelings. For example, imagine shame as a critical voice that you can talk back to and challenge.
- Real-Life Stories: Hearing from others who have successfully managed their shame can be inspiring. Real-life examples provide hope and practical insights into overcoming these challenges.
Moving Beyond Shame
Shame can be a heavy burden for those of us with ADHD, but it doesn't have to define our lives. By understanding its sources and effects, and by embracing strategies like ADHD therapy, coaching, support groups, and self-compassion exercises, we can begin to dismantle this toxic emotion and learn to love our unique brains. Remember, you are not alone in this journey. With the right support and tools, you can overcome shame and embrace your unique strengths and potential. You deserve to feel proud of who you are and what you’ve accomplished.
